disclaimer: this blog is heavy on the words and light on the photos – because it’s about my story. don’t worry – photo blogs are coming soon!
it seems a little silly to blog about me when i haven’t blogged in 72 years and i have 240,000 shoots to share with you. but guess what? there are some exciting things happening that i just really want to share with you! and never fear. i’m getting back on the [blogging] horse.
on august 10, 2013, we got a very unexpected surprise.
some people just have to look at each other to get pregnant. even though every baby is a miracle, we can become a bit calloused to the whole thing. that isn’t our story. you see, my husband and i had been trying for 3 years to get pregnant, ever since we accidentally got pregnant and lost that baby. two more miscarriages, a lot of tears and tests later, we discovered the cause. (if you are in the east bay and have any sort of fertility issues, dr. aimee eyvazzadeh is THE BEST). i have what’s called a balanced translocation of my chromosomes. it’s fine in me; all of the information is there, just a little jumbled. makes it hard to have babies.
so we prayed. and we waited. and we cried. and i tried acupuncture (and i HATE needles!). and i went to counseling. and we celebrated when our friends had babies. and we grieved the loss of our 3 little ones. and we looked into our options.
and then we decided to try ivf (in-vitro fertilization). it took us a long time to get there, but we felt confident that God could choose to use ivf or not. we could not force his hand and create a baby on our own. we made our calendar and just had to wait one more time.
meanwhile, i got to go to nashville to await and then witness the birth of my precious niece Lilia. two days before her birthday, my calendar was way off. so i took a test. positive before i even finished peeing. (sorry for the tmi)
i cried. i was up too early to call my hub, my sister and mom were still sleeping. so i prayed. why would God do this now when we were just about to finally do ivf? i couldn’t go through another miscarriage. you see, a positive test wasn’t new to me – it was just usually tied to loss and sadness. my sister got up and i told her. she was excited, so i thought maybe this could be our miracle? i needed to talk to my hub.
he had no idea this was even a possiblity (i didn’t want to make him have to worry), so this is his reaction when i showed him the news:
and then he said what my heart was thinking, but was too afraid to hold on to until that moment.
this is exactly what i’ve been praying for. that if God wanted to do a miracle, he would do it now and mess up our plans.
so i let go of the fear that was as natural as breathing at this point. i allowed the peace of God to fill all those cracks in my heart, and it has sustained me all along the way! i should be a mess, but i feel like he gave me this unexpectedly and out of HIS goodness, not because of anything i could do. so it’s up to him to carry this life through until, well, the end. i’m sure i’ll want to worry just as much when this baby is in my arms, when this baby is a teenager learning to drive, when this baby moves away and starts a family of his/her own. so i practice now. keeping this baby surrendered to the One who knows every hair on his miraculous little head.
for those of you who are still in the process – know that you are not alone. seek God about his will for your family, and allow Him to take you to the end of yourself. surround yourself with a few people you can talk to and cry with. and if i can help in any way, please let me know. fertile myrtle’s, don’t take for granted the ease with which you conceive and carry a baby to term. it’s a gift that many people would love to have. be sensitive to those who are hiding their tears and hoping for a miracle.